Jack Chick’s “Gladys” Dissected

Memorial Day special!

This is a story about who could be the ugliest woman on the planet, with the possible exception of Olive Oyl and Ms. VD Spreadlegs (of “That Crazy Guy” fame). I think this is Chick’s actual artwork. Later on in the tract there’s a tell tale dog that smacks of his lowbrow sense of humor. Either take some art lessons or stick to scrawling normal looking cartoon characters.

Anyway.

Gladys.

“Pet”, huh? So THAT’s how it is in their family. Also, up until a few years ago I didn’t realize there were things like astrology conventions.  That was until a girl I used to know started getting pretty heavy into the whole New Age Healing thing … you know, light therapy, DNA activation (yes, it’s a thing), and long-distance Skype Reiki.  I hear she has her own business now, and she’s busy running around the world attending conferences on empowerment, life coaching, and self actualization.  From what I understand, a lot of it involves coloring with crayons, meditation, and having been born into a rich white family.

Funny thing is, though … if I recall correctly … she also thought astrology was crap because there was nothing real to it.  Never understood where the line was drawn.  Either way, in Gladys’s case, you’d think that if she were the guest speaker, the least they would do is set up a freaking room at a hotel.

“Wow! You’re really something! Last year, you predicted my future to the smallest detail, and it all came true. You’re a really gifted psychic!”

“Actually, no, I’m not. But I did stay at a Holiday In Express that night.”

If you’re such a good psychic, why can’t you tell that your niece doesn’t seem interested? It might be because you came in uninvited and told her you were going to stay at her place for three goddamned days. That might be it.

“Critics” are calling her “The Amazing Gladys” … and a prophet of God? That’s pretty ballsy. Are we talking the Christian God? If so, you’ve pulled one hell of a crossover hit.

“You wouldn’t believe what happened last week!  I gathered a bunch of people over, and started telling them a bunch of different things about them just by using their names and where they lived!  They were completely flabbergasted!  I told them about where they went to school, who they were dating, and even what they had for dinner last night!”

“Wow, Gladys, that’s pretty amazing.  You’re really gifted!”

Naah, I just looked them up on Facebook. I don’t even need cold reading anymore!”

“If I grab the hair on the back of my head and pull, my mouth opens REALLY BIG!! RRRARRR!!”

So help me out here. They’re calling her a prophet of God because she’s a psychic … which if I remember correctly isn’t exactly kosher in the Old Testament … and because of her newly found fame and status, she got a spot on a TV show? You’ll excuse me while I comfort myself with a passage from the book of the Prophet Pat Sajak and his apostle, Joe Piscopo.

Gladys, I’d like to introduce you to Clark Gabl- I mean, “Bob”.

Even without knowing the rest of the plot, you can instantly tell who the lesson-wielding Christian’s going to be.  In a world of badly drawn caricatures, there’s usually only one person who stands above it all.  His hair is perfect, his nose is small, and he looks like the kind of guy you can trust … with your immortal soul.

The only thing missing this time around is the eye patch, although maybe he’s not old enough for one yet.  That probably comes later after he spends some time overseas trying to reclaim the Holy Land.

Oh, and thank you, Jack. Gladys has become so hideous that my genitals have retreated up into my ribcage for safety. I can now sing along to all of Rush’s hits from the 70s.

Wait … you say you’re a prophet of the Christian God (I think?), yet you don’t know about Isaiah. Where in this country – especially with a woman as old as Gladys – would you be brought up not having any idea who Isaiah was? That’s like Li’l Susy’s friends in school … “Who’s Jesus??”

My God, I’m dashing.  Do you like my mustache implants?

Of course Isaiah had a show! He was on opposite “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes” on Monday nights. People would call in, he’d prophesy for about 10 minutes, and at the end of the program he’d raffle off tickets to the next show and random stuff from the set.  It got canceled when they found out he was using company money to vacation in Galilee.

In the world of Chick, saying something along the lines of “I threw out my Tarot cards” is usually code for “I will show you the LORD before this story is over” … so you might want to tread carefully, Gladys.  I have the feeling that Bob and … uhhh … “pet” … have plans for her tonight.

“Besides your … uh … ‘gifts’ … “

… yeah, like speaking in tongues, driving out demons, handling poisonous snakes, that kind of thing, right? If you have any of these gifts but don’t accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior, then they’re the work of the Devil.  Otherwise, they’re just fine. Go about your business, citizen.

Hey, I know George!  He starred opposite William Shatner in “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet“!  I’m glad to see he’s doing something that involves a little less occupational hazard.  Demon or not, a fall from that height can’t feel too good at the end.

As usual, we get a strong whiff of the “you’re either with us or against us” attitude we’ve come to expect.  Psychic intuition, or whatever people claim it is, could be the same gifts, yielding the same answers, but depending on one’s belief about some guy who died on a cross, they’re either the work of GOD or SATAN.

Side note … why would a demon from hell ever sweat?

George isn’t a person, you nitwit … he’s a demon. Come on, now.  And “George”?  Really?  Is it short for “Georgothamous, Thrice-Damned Bile Spewing Beast of Yore”, or did Satan just stop caring after a while and have every new demon pull his name from a giant hat?

“Isaiah, or someone like that?” This from Gladys, the “very religious”. Saying things like this really do more to hurt Jack’s cause, since a lot of people who consider themselves “very religious” know as much about the bible as Miss Cleo here.  I, on the other hand, know a few things here and there about the bible, but since I’m a godless heathen, it doesn’t really matter.

God’s favorite prophets, or the New Testament authors’ favorite? Let’s be honest about who used him more, here. This guy made some predictions about a man who would be a savior to his people, and 700 years later someone came along who … kinda fit the bill … though it was terribly out of context and woefully out of date at this point. People who were desperate to believe took all of these prophecies, made them fit any way they could – even if they had to completely fabricate stories to do it – and said that Isaiah must have been talking about Jesus.  Hardly impressive considering these prophecies were fairly well known during the time of Jesus.

Please tell me the difference is between what 1st century believers did to Isaiah and what we do all the time to Nostradamus?  I guess it depends … if you believe the History Channel, there probably is none.

Yeah, Gladys, let’s go to a hotel. These horns vibrate, you know.

Here’s what Isaiah said.

Isaiah 7:14 ~ Behold! The young woman is with child. She shall bear a son whom she will name, Immanuel.

That’s right … The young woman (not virgin which would be ‘betula’, not ‘alma’ as it reads in Hebrew) is, (present tense, referring to someone alive in Isaiah’s generation) with child. And the name Immanuel … well, he was called Jesus.

Isaiah was referring to someone about to be born in that time, and how it related to the current political and military situation facing his ruler, King Ahaz.

Isaiah 42:6-7 ~ I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. 

Umm. Sounds like a metaphor for delivering understanding and comfort, no? In the proper context, it doesn’t sound as if this guy’s going to walk around and make blind people literally SEE.

Hosea 11:1 ~ When Israel was a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of Egypt.

I really hope this isn’t where Matthew got the whole “Jesus and his family fleeing to Egypt” thing. If it is, I’m really disappointed. We’re talking about the Israelite exodus from Egypt during the times of Moses.

And then there’s Isaiah 52 and 53. Common description of the scapegoat, which was a popular concept at the time, but tough to call a prophecy. It reads like a generic description of the hardships faced by God’s faithful servants, not his son of 700 years in the future.

So … bottom line, where our buddy was talking about a savior, it was about someone who was going to help the kingdom of Ahaz win over his enemies. In other places, it doesn’t sound like it was about any particular person at all.

Oh come on … read the rest of the chapter and you’ll see what the context is.  He’s talking about the degree of devotion he has to God, and the strength He gives him to face the slings and arrows of his enemies.  Funny, considering that the idea in this passage is about how the Lord will always be with him to give him strength … yet as Jesus dies he says, “Father, why have you forsaken me?”  If we are to assume Isaiah 50 applies to Jesus, wouldn’t we expect some measure of interference on the part of God?

That demon and I have something in common (aside from the fact that we’ll probably end up in the same place). I’ve always had a problem with Isaiah too. Different reasons, though.

The suffering of Jesus fulfilled Isaiah 53:10-12. OR, it could have referred to the suffering of any servant of the LORD over the 700 years it took for someone to catch on enough to apply it to a particular individual and make another religion out of it.

Ignoring that for a second, what’s with this “we” crap? Jesus knew that in order to fulfill the prophecy, he had to be crucified. Judas was instrumental in making that happen so God’s glorious Plan could come to fruition. Or are you saying that He used demons and occasionally Satan himself to do his dirty work for him like he used to in the Old Testament?

Since when is Friday afternoon to Sunday morning three days?

Never missed a single one, huh? Hindsight is always 20-20. You’re always right if you are vague enough about what you’re predicting in the first place, and everyone in the region has heard it before.  Come to think of it … there will soon be The Phophecies of Senator Jason. And you can bet your ass that by the force of retrofitting and a generous application of the Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy I will be right … somehow.

Why the hell does Gladys look like G’Kar from Babylon 5??

Yes, Gladys. Charleton freaking Heston. He’s THAT goddamned old. So not only are you ugly as sin, but you’re dumber than a box of hair.

Ah, the way to detect a false prophet. If something he says doesn’t come to pass, he is a false prophet. Got it.

Jesus said, “Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things (calamities signaling the end times) be fulfilled.” (Matt. 24:34) … well, that generation … and about what, 80 others … passed, and the second coming hasn’t happened yet.

How about after Jesus rose from the dead and declared that every believer “shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.”  (Matt 16:18) … we have a number of stories about believers trying this little trick and dying in the process, and not one piece of evidence about anyone being able to lay hands on a sick person and heal them.

What does that make Jesus in the eyes of God?  Oh, never mind. We’ll just interpret it differently to avoid the inconvenience.

What if the familiar spirits are angels? Then it’s okay, right? By the way, wasn’t the law of Deuteronomy applicable only to the Israelites of the time? Why would the law have applied to anyone else? Jehovah wasn’t anyone else’s god.

And HOLY CRAP is this woman ugly.  I think you accidentally started using Preparation H instead of lipstick.

I’m putting you down because the bible tells me to! Isn’t it obvious?? I’m just glad Chick hasn’t incorporated patriotism in his tracts … all of his main protagonists would be hiding behind both the bible and a giant American flag.

OK, this scene cracks me up. What angel screwed up badly enough to not be damned per se, but to have the job of tossing every condemned soul into the lake of fire for all eternity? Heh. Maybe he was asleep when he was supposed to be guarding the Tree of Knowledge. If that’s the case I’d like a word with him.

You’re a 114 year old psychic … so you have an odd profession and you’ve certainly been around … and Bible Boy gave you the worst insult of your life? God, you are weak.

HERE GLADYS I HAVE THE PHONE IN MY HAND TAKE IT AND CALL ANYONE JUST LEAVE.  Her niece is almost leaving skid marks in an attempt to get rid of her ugly mooching aunt who didn’t have the presence of mind to see that Bob was using the very same kind of tricks in his description of Isaiah that she and her clients use every day with regard to her own gifts.

Oh, shit, it’s Holly!! This chick gets whacked with the ugly stick on a regular basis in The Nervous Witch (2nd page, 2nd panel). Good to know she’s still alive and kicking, damning souls and such.  Even for those who haven’t read the tie-in, the twisted, God-mocking smirk on her face is enough to tell me she’s not saved, otherwise she’d have been drawn like Bob.

 Holly: OH @!!!**!, it’s Bob Williams!!
Gladys: You know that guy?
Holly: You bet your ass. He wrote that stupid song.
Gladys: What song??
Holly: You know … the song by that British guy …
Gladys: Which guy? Bob Williams?
Holly: Yeah … that’s him at the door!!
Gladys: What song did he sing?
Holly: Millennium, don’t you remember?
Gladys: Yeah! Now I do! What album is that on?
Holly: I think it’s on an album called “The Ego Has Landed”.
Gladys: Really? Who made that album?
Bob: I did. That was me.
Holly: It was that guy …
Gladys: That British guy!
Holly: Right … I can’t remember his name …
Bob: JUST GET IN THE GODDAMNED CAR.

Sorry … inside joke to me and three other people.  Had to be done.

Lemme guess … you’re a witch too, right? Nothing says Jack-Chick-style witch like a death curse from a Satan worshipper. I’m surprised there’s no demon hanging off her shoulder. Maybe they had a date with those two guys from The Birds and the Bees to help spread TEH GAY into our classrooms.

God: “I’ll see your death curse and raise you a TANDEM TRAILER FULL OF ROCKET FUEL DRIVING THROUGH A RESIDENTIAL AREA.”

One thing I have to hand to the biblical god is that when he smites someone, he doesn’t do it halfassed.  Floods, fire and brimstone, or some good old fashioned bear maulings for those unruly children, you can always count on OT Jehovah to deliver.

What exactly, aside from the standing naked, hip deep in fire and sulfur, in front of Ted, Former Watchman for the Tree of Knowledge, tipped you off exactly? And for the last time, Jack, WITCHES DON’T WORSHIP SATAN!! Why would they pay homage to a Judeo Christian creation, first of all? Where does this guy do his resear- … oh, never mind. In the question is the answer.

Also, remember that Satan himself wasn’t such a bad guy in the OT. In some cases, he seemed to be God’s henchman … in others, he just hung around to question the Big Guy’s judgment every so often.

“You both heard the gospel and you are without excuse.”

Bullshit. YOU are without a freaking excuse. I’m sorry. You’re GOD, and you couldn’t come up with anything better than a collection of old stories put together under suspicious and tumultuous political conditions, translated multiple times by people who had to guess at intent, and then topped off by the “letters” from a guy who wanted to believe Jesus was the messiah (or maybe he just wanted others to believe), but wasn’t actually there? If Paul were alive today, he’d be a Scientologist.

You let Thomas – one of the apostles – touch your son’s wounds to believe. Yet we are all required – on pain of eternal torture in a lake of unending fire – to put our faith in a 2,000+ year old game of telephone. Thanks.

They are cast into the Lake of Fire by our favorite narcoleptic angel. Cheer up, Ted. Only 10,000 years more of this and God might give you a coffee break. Don’t worry, though. This is all part of God’s Plan (TM).

False dilemma or no false dilemma? The choice IS, in fact, yours.

This entry was posted in Chick Tract Dissections, Dr. Bob's House of Crap, Freedom from Religion, Sunday Morning Blasphemy, The Illogical School and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Jack Chick’s “Gladys” Dissected

  1. Making fun of Chick Tracts? OMG, I love you! It reminds me that I got a couple of those things (I didn’t know they still handed those stupid things out) at our university. This whacked out church was screaming about God at the center fountain, bothering students who couldn’t avoid them if they wanted to get to class. One girl shouted back at them and called the cops. The cops just sat there as they weren’t “violent” and watched. I live in the Bible Belt and there’s been guys standing with a Bible on a corner shouting, but this was a whole group with matching T-shirts and giant signs with charming homophobic sayings and wishes of hellfire and everything. Fascinating psychological study of psychotic morons. A few of us ate lunch and watched for a bit. They informed one of my Catholic friends that he was a necromancer.

    Anyway, I was thinking of doing something funny with them and I find this. I love how the heathen lady gets uglier and uglier cause she’s a heathen, ya know. How many more have you done?

    • I’ve done eight so far, and there are more on the way … check out the tag “Chick Tract Dissections” and it should show them all. Those are probably the most popular of anything I’ve written, which tells me I should keep doing them :). Why do you people encourage me like this?

      Even if those people weren’t being violent, they should have been given some sort of verbal warning by the police that they were harassing students and to leave everyone alone. With it being the Bible Belt, though, I’m not surprised that this didn’t happen.

      • Exactly. Nevermind this was a state SECULAR school and if they’d been screaming about Allah or any other gods /goddesses they’d have been out of there in a heartbeat . . .

  2. Pingback: Jack Chick’s “The Nervous Witch” Dissected | Crimes Against Divinity

  3. Pingback: Jack Chick’s “The Trial” Dissected | aliceatwonderland

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