Jack Chick’s “The Little Bride” Dissected

Back when people were still reading LiveJournal pretty heavily, I took some inspiration from the genius of “Enter the Jabberwock” and tried my hand at dissecting / satirizing Jack Chick tracts. It is, after all, both a target-rich environment and conveniently relevant to my new blog.  While a lot of the other things on this site are intended to be at least somewhat thought-inducing or meaningful in some way, this is pure brain candy … so enjoy.

The first dissection involves a recurring character by the name of “Li’l Susie”, which is abbreviated because it is that much cuter and innocent that way.  (At some point I should probably go back and snark the rest of the tracts she’s in … y’know, just for consistency.)

Hey, it’s Miss Henn! I’m surprised that Lil’ Susie’s parents allow her in that grizzled old schoolmarm’s classroom after the evolution debacle. Or that bit about her dressing up as Santa for Halloween. Or when the demon – infested homos came to visit and got gay-plasm all over the place. Oh, well … bygones. There’s exciting news afoot.

Amir.  Sounds brown … and not the African shade either.

But hey, maybe your new friend will get Allah to help you with the hyperthyroidism you’re showing in the first panel …

Muslims are the ones who did THIS to ME!!! *points to the eyepatch*. We were trying to re-take the Holy Land and I fought ten of them back with my bare hands until they finally overpowered me!

Seriously, when a couple of eight year olds are “thinking about becoming Muslims”, I would take that about as seriously as their saying they want to be the Little Mermaid or Fred Flintstone when they grow up.  It’s crap, they don’t understand what they’re saying, and they’ll eventually learn more about it all as they get older and learn more about the world.  That’s life.

But by all means, freak out and tell your little militant granddaughter she needs to do more soul-winning.

“Jesus?  Who’s that?”

Sorry, that’s what they always say when his name is brought up …

Grandpa, you kinda look like the dude who owns Airwolf.

So lemme get this straight … this strange, false religion has a “god” named “Allah” … instead of “Jehovah”. And the prophet was “Mohammed” … instead of “Jesus”. Okay, I follow you …

You know, you also look like the guy who did the voice for KITT. What is it with you and souped up ass kicking crime fighting vehicles?

“Holy shit, I’m so cute, Grandpa.  Just LOOK at me.  LOOOOK!!!!~!”

Allah is CLEARLY not the god of the bible!  You must know that the authors went through all that trouble to change the names, the places, and the number of wives everyone had … and this was before the “find / replace” feature in MS Word.

Becky!  Tashana! If you say those words, you’ll sprout burkhas, wear sandals, turn brown, and want to blow shit up!!  Worse of all, you’ll go to HELL!!  Just look at Amir … can you see the evil in his eyes?

For the love of God, listen to the shrieking hand!!  It speaks the truth!

RRR!  Jiggle lines!!  Lot had those when the two angels told him about Sodom getting blown to shit, and he was none too thrilled.

“I am amazed you know this!! H-how could you have possibly known what our second holy book is?!  No web site or book about Islam has this information!”

Clearly, Jack’s implying that our buddy Amir wasn’t giving our two young friends the “whole” story about Islam.  Because at eight years old, Susie obviously knows all there is to know about Christianity … like the mercy of God shown in Joshua, Judges, Kings, etc. …

“The bird is the Word, and the Word is God, right?”

“Correct!  God is the Bird!”

Why are they heading to the airport? Oh, yeah … just in case we forgot, it’s people like Amir who killed all those poeple in the World Trade Center. Can’t pass up a chance to remind us all of that fact.

Yo Grandpa, now would be a good time to rustle up Earnest Borgnine and the rest of the Airwolf crew to high tail it to the airport. There’s brown people afoot, and they’re bent on doing some terrorizin’.

Dude, Adam was 90 feet tall??!  Pff … whatev.  Next you’re going to tell me he lived 930 years.

Boy Allah sounds like a jerk. Our god would never curse people, smite them outright, send plagues upon them simply to demonstrate his glory, or urge his followers to commit rape and genocide.

Nope. Not ours.

That’s nothing compared to David who had .. how many wives? Hell, Jacob had two wives and then married his two handmaids.  Sweet!  But yeah, Mohammed is a dirty old man. He even owned SLAVES!! No one in the bible ever owned slaves. Nope. Not a one. It especially doesn’t tell you that if you beat a slave to within an inch of his life, and he doesn’t die until 24 hours later, you can’t be charged for his murder.

Boy, the Qu’ran sounds like a dirty piece of work, doesn’t it? Glad the Bible doesn’t endorse any of this sort of horrific activity.

Well, I can’t say for sure, Susie, but Mary wasn’t exactly long in the tooth when she was impregnated against her will with our lord and Saviour. I’m thinking 13 … but then, what sort of dirty old man would do that to a little girl? Especially in light of what the laws of the land, as laid down by God, said at the time?

So we have Allah, the Moon God, and Jehovah, the family god of Abraham. What’s your point? You have to start small and move up the chain of command somehow. Hell, Zeus had to kill off all the titans before running Olympus. Or, you could start your own religion and anoint yourself minister … L. Ron Hubbard had the right idea, I think.  Maybe that’s how I can become independently wealthy.

Correction … the Bible *says* 500 people saw him. I can write an entry here that says 500 people saw me launch a plague of locusts out of my ass, but that’d only happen after a cannabis-induced binge at Taco Bell, kiddo.

Okay, please tell me where the rock under which these doe-eyed sheep are living is if they haven’t heard of GOD. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of “unlikely”, I officially call bullshit on the second panel. WHERE in Genesis does the conversation go …

GOD: Son, I’m bored. Any thoughts?

JESUS: Scrabble?

GOD: Naah, you kicked my ass last time.

JESUS: How about creating the universe?

GOD: Eh … why don’t you give it a shot and I’ll pop down for a visit and the occasional smiting.

JESUS: Okey doke.

*ZAP*

Adam: Oh shit, I ate the apple. Yo, fucked up!!

No. I don’t think so. This falls under the same category as Satan throwing up roadblocks to prevent Mary from getting to Bethlehem to deliver Jesus in safety.

And the DINOSAUR saw MAN and ate him. And lo, he was good.

And the DINOSAUR was pleased.

Because Jesus did such a bang up job creating the world that his dad had to flood the place out because mankind was so wicked, he was given another task.  This one didn’t end so well for him, what with the whole crucifixion and all.  True, he sort-of died for our sins, but not really since he came back to life after about 48 hours.  Not really much of a sacrifice if death means nothing to you from the start, does it?

Boy, Mary looks thrilled with her little bundle of joy. I would be too if I were told that I was pregnant before I was to be wed, in a patriarchal society, by a Roman soldier God. When I was 13 I was playing Nintendo, wondering if I would ever stop looking like a complete dweeb.

Still waiting. Lost the braces, at least.

I still want to know what American in this day and age has NOT heard this story by the time he or she reaches the age of two.

There’s a perfectly loving, merciful god who LOVES you and died for your sins! How beautiful is that? It’s so beautiful that if you don’t accept him you will BURN IN HELL AND SUFFER ETERNAL TORMENT WITH DEMONS EATING YOU ALIVE AND STUFFING FLAMING RED HOT POKERS UP YOUR ASS!!!one

It’s your choice.

God loves you.

Ah, Jack … falling back on the old standby … other religions shouldn’t be accepted … they should be pitied. They have our sympathy because they’re so lost in their ways that they believe their version of pretend is just as valid as ours.

Oooh! Oooh! A quiz!! I know, I know … ummm … what if I choose “no”?

Oh, wait.

Pokers.

My ass.

Right.

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7 Responses to Jack Chick’s “The Little Bride” Dissected

  1. Pingback: Jack Chick’s “Gladys” Dissected | Crimes Against Divinity

  2. That Susy is one intensely creepy third-grader.

  3. Mahdi says:

    God curse you. Inshallah

  4. Epibee says:

    So, Senator Jason: are you scared of making fun of fundamentalist Muslims?

  5. Banshee says:

    I have to announce to you: Jabberwock’s blog is permanently offline.

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