This is a dissection I originally wrote back in November 2004. I figured since Mardi Gras was this past week, now would be as good a time as any to air it out, dust it off, re-write about a third of it, and post it one more time.
Anyone else reminded of Carrie?
Meanwhile, in Satan’s Underground Lair … This is the same place he used to plan the death of Jesus Christ. You can read about it in the Bible. Oh wait, that’s right, no you can’t.
And since when did the city of New Orleans (yes, I read ahead) need help from Satan and his minions to top off its supply of drugs, booze, and prostitutes?? Last time I checked, there where about 75% of municipal funding goes on a yearly basis.
OH HE MADE A FUNNY … “hottest” groups in the world … ’cause they’re in hell … and it’s hot … ugghghgghh …
This is one of my favorite panels … the charcoal-smear demon briefing the devil on their inventory of “low grade condoms”, with volunteers ready to pass them out. I can only imagine how that will go …
“Umm… why do these rubbers have holes in them?”
“They’re not holes … they’re ‘freshness vents’. It’s a new feature. It keeps its contents from getting soggy and wilted in high moisture environments.”
Oh, and I’ve got news for you, Satan … according to your illustrator, you don’t need to do ANYTHING to make sure these folks go to hell. If his idea of heaven and hell is correct, we’re all headed there in a handbasket unless we were one of the select few he chose not to condemn back in the beginning of time.
Grandma’s Spidey Sense wakes her up with a premonition of death!! Or a direct warning from God, which seems awfully strange given how hands-off He is in so many other aspects of human affairs.
The question of why God didn’t just warn Jill and skip the middleman is left unanswered.
Are we to infer that Jill’s grandmother is 3000 miles away from Hell? So wait, I can figure this out, now … if it’s 1:00 here, is it 10:00 AM there? Do they get Daylight Saving Time?
Alright, God … YOU woke my ass up right in the middle of that juicy MacGyver dream. He was just about to use some duct tape, a car battery, and some jumper cables to … well, let’s just say that you better get me there in time to make it all worth it.
Wait, wait … I was joking back in the first panel by calling that place “Satan’s Underground Lair”. Now I realize I’m not that far off. “Satan’s Headquarters” … wouldn’t that be Hell? Or did he manage to snatch up some prime real estate and convert some Los Angeles villa into Alta Hades: Beachfront Paradise?
Yikes, my Spidey Sense would be tingling too if I realized I pissed off Leonard Nimoy. This is what happens when Hell runs out of salsa. And that’s not the first time he’s called someone a @!!!**!. Seems to be the seven-letter curse word of choice for angry Chick tract-ors.
And I can’t let Jack get away with his little footnote regarding John 8:44:
44 You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
I’m going to have to call bullshit on this one. Do you know how many people Satan killed in the bible? This guy does. Satan was responsible – in part – for ten deaths, total.
They all occurred during one incident – during Old Testament times – as a result of a bet with God to get one of His followers to forsake Him. God, on the other hand, killed a touch over 25 million since Creation … and I’m not even considering the untold tens of billions due to failed implantation and miscarriage if you consider every fertilized egg a complete person.
I think we know who the real murderer is.
What the hell is that little girl doing wandering Bourbon Street with a flowerpot on her head??
That’s some great disguise, Satan. Seriously, did you get dumber over the last several thousand years? Still, I’m lost. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that the devil is paying so much attention to any one person in particular, when all he needs to do is sit back and let God’s poorly run PR machine condemn everyone by default.
And, if he did have to go out and do his own dirty work, I seriously think he could come up with something better than poison. A plague of locusts? A tentacle faced elder god? A wayward toilet seat from the Mir Space Station?
And on a philosophical note … let’s just remember *who* created this entire situation to begin with, and who gave our buddy the control he supposedly exercises.
I think I saw this scene on an Incan stone calendar once. They were all wielding knives, sticking their tongues out, and dancing around a large face that was also sticking its tongue out. I don’t recall any smiley faces per se.
Is that Alfred E Newman’s grandmother in the corner?
Upon closer inspection, Jill is actually pre-plastic surgery Cher, and her date is Ron Jeremy. Looks like she was in for quite an evening, if the stories about him are true.
But not for long!! Grandma, with her super aura-generating power and Shocking Grasp, stops Jill in the nick of time. But can she convince her to not drink the fatal brew??
Jill: I’ve got it! I’ve got it! The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?
Grandma: Right. But there’s been a change: they broke the chalice from the palace!
Jill: They broke the chalice from the palace?
Grandma: And replaced it with a flagon.
Jill: A flagon…?
Grandma: With the figure of a dragon.
Jill: Flagon with a dragon.
Jill: But did he put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?
Grandma: No!!! The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!
Jill: The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.
Grandma: Just remember that.
Ron Jeremy: So … you guys into threesomes?
With apologies to Danny Kaye, I move on.
Ouch. Make a wish, Jill.
Heh, say your prayers, Ron. I like the sweaty look of determination … “must … get … shitfaced …”
Right. It takes people four minutes to notice a dead body during Mardi Gras. More like the next morning, all of the passed out dunks get one free kick in the side to see who moves.
Jill, the party’s over. You can take Dr. Octopus off of your head.
And either Ron Jeremy didn’t have a soul, or Jack just doesn’t care about what happens to him one way or the other because he was only a way for Jill to reach SALVATION. God works in mysterious ways, and making an omelette by trashing the entire kitchen and setting the house on fire is usually how he goes about it.
Jill’s friend, dressed as Lady Gaga, makes the call from a pay phone in a public restroom.
… where they also vend LOW-GRADE CONDOMS.
Jill, I know this is difficult for you to understand, but the powers your grandmother has … well, you have them too. Your Spidey Sense is strong … stronger than you know. If you choose to use it for the powers of good, there is no telling what you could do. If you choose the dark side, forever will it domina- … oh forget it.
Right family, wrong generation, Grandma. Spock was pissed off at *you*, not your granddaughter. And if he’s “unseen”, who was that asshole tending bar the other night? Oh, and bang-up job Satan did in trying to kill her. THIS is the “murderer from the beginning”?? Come on.
If I remain still, I can blend in seamlessly with my couch. I regularly use this trick to avoid nosy neighbors or demon-plagued granddaughters.
“So he used drugs, alcohol, and immoral sex to keep you away from the Saviour.” Boy, I’ve been there. Satan, pinning me down, force feeding me tequila shots, slipping PCP into my Eggos right before finals, and sending over hot scantily clad Baywatch lifeguard chicks for hot oil massages. What a little shit. God knows that if I were in control of my actions, I would have spent all that time reading my bible.
Lesson: All of the bad things in life are Satan’s fault. All of the good things in life are God’s work. We pretty much go along for the ride.
I refuse to trust someone who never has the same face for more than one panel. You scare me, Grandma.
God wants to forgive you, and he loved you do much that he sacrificed himself to himself to change a rule he made himself … but not because he wanted to … he had to! He was powerless to do anything else!
And there is only ONE WAY to salvation. But you have to guess which one it is:
MT 7:21, LK 10:36-37, RO 2:6, 13, JA 2:24 We are justified by works, not by faith.
JN 3:16, RO 3:20-26, EP 2:8-9, GA 2:16 We are justified by faith, not by works.
MT 10:22, 24:13, MK 13:13 He that endures to the end will be saved.
MK 16:16 He that believes and is baptized will be saved.
JN 3:5 Only he that is born of water and Spirit will be saved.
AC 16:31 He that believes on the Lord Jesus will be saved.
AC 2:21 He that calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.
RO 10:9 He who confesses with his mouth “Jesus is Lord” and believes in his heart that God raised him from the dead will be saved.
1JN 4:7 He who loves is born of God (and presumably will be saved.)
God and the devil were a lot chummier back in the times of the Old Testament … guess some things changed.
Defeating Satan once and for all? Jack, that doesn’t even make any sense. If he were defeated once and for all, how is he scheming in his Secret Villa Hideout, plotting Jill’s death and killing porn stars with watered-down drinks served in LOW GRADE CONDOMS? How is Satan still getting souls … even if God was planning on sending them there anyway?
Oh, so NOW all that drugs, booze, and sex is your fault. I’m glad you finally see* that. But remember, you can never trust yourself. That’s the devil’s work. Critical thinking? Rational thought? That’s pride messin’ with ya. Put your faith in God, and you just might be one of those he decided to save back before time began.
“God’s free love gift.” Repent within the next 10 minutes and you will receive TWO free love gifts for the same low price! Refer a friend and get a free spatula.
Better soak it in while it lasts. That feeling of joy will soon be replaced with the nausea, chills, and hallucinations consistent with delerium tremens. You’re in for quite a ride. But hey, if it straightens you out, then I can’t really complain too much.
Hey, don’t listen to all of those stories. The winners always write history.
Oooh! False dilemma time! Hmmm, I can choose between the supernatural being that told Eve that eating from the Tree of Knowledge would kill her, or another supernatural being who told her it would give them the knowledge of good and evil. Well, seeing how Satan was right and God turned out to be the dishonest one from way back during the beginning of time, I don’t think the choice is all that easy.
Well, to me, anyway. According to Chick Logic, you’re all sorts of fucked if you don’t accept Jesus as your lord and savior. I’m not going to go into any more details, but it involves demons.
And red hot pokers.
And your ass.