Jack Chick’s “That Crazy Guy” Dissected

Well, first we start off with a classic title reminiscent of Saturday Night Live’s “Two Wild and Crazy Guys”. Minus the sunglasses and creepy mustache, I make faces like that for the camera all the time. The only difference is that I’m screwing around.

Congratulations, Suzie. You succeeded in going back in time and winning a date with the Marlboro Man, circa 1975. The chest hair, black sunglasses, cowboy hat with the flower … you’re bound for Flavor Country now, Little Darlin’. Just look, he’s got your Spidey Sense all a-tinglin’.

Who schedules a date for two weeks in advance?  Well, I guess with someone as “beautiful” as he is, his schedule might be pretty packed … but honestly, I’d be able to schedule an appointment with my doctor in shorter order.   Also, when was the last time you’ve heard a guy being called “beautiful”?

Holy shit, wait a minute. Are we to infer from the name that this is Suzie is the same “Li’l Suzy” from some of the earlier tracts? Damn, girl, you really let yourself take a walk on the wild side … bleaching the hair, moving out of your grandfather’s place, and becoming the SLUT THAT WE ALWAYS KNEW YOU WOULD TURN INTO AHAHAHAHAHA!!!111~1ONE

**ahem** sorry. Outside voice.

“I don’t want to mess up this date like I did the others … how the hell was I supposed to know that the police were going to find that jock strap with the chocolate sprinkles we left on the railroad tracks? And those hoofprints must have appeared AFTER we were done with them. See? The whipped cream comes right off.”

Oh, good going, Suzie. Talk to Ms. Damien. Nothing can go wrong in a Chick tract with a name like that. Hey Jack, why didn’t you just name her Ms. V.D. Spreadlegs, Thrice-Damned Beast-whore of Babylon?

I would recommend that Jack does a little research before speaking through this haggard old broad, but he of all people doesn’t care about being truthful when it comes to those with whom he disagrees. “First, you go on the pill … I’ll give you some”?  That’s a GREAT IDEA … ‘cause stuff like the Pill doesn’t require anything like a prescription, or a period of time on the order of months to take effect or anything. But hey, she’s willing to throw in a few condoms for good measure. Let’s at least hope they’re not the LOW GRADE kind.

Actually, after reading this whole tract through, I have to actually agree with Chick on a few things … like the advice from one of the Wyrd Sisters here being totally bogus. Of course, since the origin of this is from Jack himself, we still return to the concept that he’s still the one with his head up his ass by throwing out warped ideas of birth control and then shooting them down. So yeah, of course they’re wrong.

Yeah, VD’s are nothing anymore. Just go to Africa and see for yourself.

Holy Hell, my eyes!  It’s Devin Miles, owner of Knight Industries, in DRAG. Or is that just an old, emaciated Frank N. Furter? Eat a burger or something … and then get some sleep, ’cause the circles under your eyes are worse than mine.

Might I also suggest that because of the lack of food, your body appears to have been eating your brain for nourishment. Jack loves portraying everyone who believes something different from him as some New Age hippie or screeching harpy, but never does it quite right. I ask the audience (all 4 of you) … Do you, or does anyone you know, believe that science has EVERYTHING under control?  I sure as hell don’t, and I’ve been ass-deep in the field for the last 20 years.

In fact, the only time I hear claims that science “has all the answers” or “has everything under control” are from evangelicals like this guy when they go on another screed about the horrors of evolution, birth control, and holding hands before marriage.  Which is especially amusing considering that’s exactly the kind of crap they say about their bible.

“Craig’s so cute … and real crazy!! He thinks it’s 1975, and dresses like Starsky and Hutch! And I’m such a brainless waif that I can’t resist him!”  Oh, and the last time I’ve heard anyone say “If it feels good, do it” was in a movie about the 60’s. There’s a reason for that.

“Ain’t”??

Man, I want a license plate that says “LOVER”, and a cover that says, “Do it in the dirt!”  I’d have scores of disaffected former fundies beating down my door for a piece of my manly plume. I don’t know why but that thing on the upper right looks to me like a UPC symbol and just confuses the shit out of me. Not that there’s nothing else here that does that too.

“He was so GROSS … he insisted on using styling gel on his chest hair, his nose whistled while we were kissing, and his moustache smelled like Parmesan.  This was not worth the two week waiting period, that’s for damned sure.  D- … will not buy again.”

Okay, so she’s staring off into space, wondering if she was pregnant.  I suppose this means she DIDN’T use the condom or the expired box of fast-acting black market Pill from Ms. Spreadlegs.

Dumb broad.

Yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that Li’l Suzy here has no idea what a condom is, much less how to operate one in a high stress environment. When Ms. Damien gave them to her, she probably made a couple of balloon animals out of them. Chalk another victory to Fundamentalist Sex-Ed.

You’re burning down there ‘cause you’ve got the fire down below … hey-o!

I do so get a kick out of the Rod Serling-esque commentary by Jack himself, reassuring the reader that all is not well in the state of Suzy’s naughty-bits. Note to Jack: we don’t need the foreshadowing; she’s going to die and go to hell. I know how you roll.

Interesting change in attitude from the earlier visit. And please, watch who you’re calling stupid, Ms. “Science has all the answers and VD’s can be cured with Penicillin.” You were absent the day they were passing out brains, too.

Fus-Ro-DAH!!

Oh, Jack, this is why I love you. The drama! The action! The FEELING!! I mean, can’t you just SEE the desperation in Li’l Suzie’s face? Her begging? Her pleading?? Holding the pillow for – well, okay, I don’t really know the reason why she’s holding the pillow other than it gives Ms. Damien, who has apparently gone full Dovakhiin, a chance to nail it with anti-gonorrhea spray. Damn, I’ve gotta get me some of that. I have no idea what I’ve contracted by sitting on the bus.

Another reason why I love you … “Get out! I don’t want what you’ve got!” … there’s a reason why they’re called sexually transmitted diseases. When was the last time you heard of gonorrhea (or any other STD) transmitted by casual contact? And for someone so blasé about VD’s (hey, one shot of penicillin and you’re okay!) she seems to be overreacting just a mite, no?

Unless Jack’s planning a special lesbian scene …

“… in the meantime, I’ll check out that guys ass behind you.”

I’m not too sure I’d go see anyone’s grandparents in the world you’ve created.  They’re all weird. They have premonitions, eye patches, and talk about how we’re all doomed. Fair warning: you’re not in for any consolation.

Yes, dear, but you gave the condom to Craig, who immediately put it on his head.  See, he grew up in the Bible Belt and went to a school where they didn’t teach about safe sex because it’s icky and wrong.

Oh, and great bedside manner, there, Doc. “I would tell you in more detail how you will die horribly, but there’s only so much room for dialogue in these little frames.  So screw you, slut.”

Then don’t have sex using a latex glove.

No, I’m serious. This is like saying steel armor isn’t safe because I can shoot through a chain link fence. Those measurements you’re talking about were from the 80’s, first of all … second, they were single dipped in latex (which they’re not anymore BECAUSE of HIV), not double dipped like condoms, which are effective in reducing – but not eliminating – the risk of STD transmission if used properly.

But … see … that’s the catch. To make sure people use them properly, you have to educate kids on how to use them.  Jack has done a great job in showcasing the “abstinence only” approach by citing a document written in 1992, by an evangelical religious group that used research from the 1980s to support their claims.

Funny, that’s pretty much how it goes.  I’ve seen the same thing before with this topic, abortion, cosmology, geology, and evolution.  If you don’t like how far science has progressed in being able to answer the questions you have, just cite papers from a time before they had the answers yet!  Profit!!

Well, let’s be honest, Doc. If someone were given a choice to either have protected sex with a HIV+ person or just walk away, they would very likely walk away. And what does that tell you? It tells you that people figure they would rather not put themselves at ANY risk given the choice … since condoms are effective, but not perfect.

Damned high school. Passing out condoms like candy (well, they do have flavors now) … if they didn’t, these kids wouldn’t have sex at all. It’s the condoms that are making them want to have sex!! That’s it!! If we taught abstinence, this wouldn’t happen. Teenage pregnancy, VD’s, abortions, all of it … would just disappear. We’d all be in our rooms, ready for bed at 9 PM after reading our bibles, ready for another day of serving the Lord.

Sorry, I need a tetanus shot after that litany of bullshit. How many millions more would die – here and in places like Africa – if condoms weren’t available? How many more abortions would we have? Or, if they were available, how effective could they be if we don’t teach people how to use them?

Actually, I guess we already know what the effects would be, don’t we?

Anyone else notice that Panel 2 here is a mirror image of Panel 2 from the last page?

Suzy, God wants to protect you … he didn’t want you to die like this. That’s not part of God’s plan. Sending you to hell definitely is, as was creating all of these diseases in the first place, but this part wasn’t. You did this on your own.

I can agree with any ancient society that may have put together the causal relationship between sexual activity and STDs for putting together some basic rules of behavior in order to prevent a rash (get it?) of diseases they couldn’t cure.  Condoms didn’t exist, so the next best thing was to regulate sexual behavior. I’ll even go so far as to say that yeah, if we followed the bible in that sense, we wouldn’t have nearly as much of a problem … the bible set up a health code of the time when “medicine” didn’t exist.

Sorta raises an interesting question, then … what’s the difference between “immoral” and “unhealthy” when sex is involved, if the only reasons for staying monogamous are to ensure lineage and prevent disease?

Yes, let’s look at what the bible has to say about sex, shall we??

GE 17:15-16, 20:11-12, 22:17 Abraham and his half sister, Sarai, are married and receive God’s blessings.
GE 19:30-38 While he is drunk, the two daughters of Lot (a man considered righteous by God) “lie with him,” become pregnant, and give birth to his offspring.
HO 1:2 God instructs Hosea to “take a wife of harlotry.”
DT 24:1-5 A man can divorce his wife simply because she displeases him and both he and his wife can remarry.
1KI 3:12, 4:29, 10:23-24, 2CH 9:22-23 God made Solomon the wisest king and the wisest man that ever lived. There never has been nor will be another like him. BUT …
1KI 11:1-13 Solomon loved many foreign women (against God’s explicit prohibition) who turned him to other gods (for which he deserved death).

Well, that’s good. As long as we have a strong, clear moral compass, I’m not worried. (Thanks again to the Closet Atheist). And while there may be no sex outside of marriage, people back then could marry plenty of times if the first one didn’t quite take. Remember Jacob, Moses, and David?

… an incredible … mysterious, invisible force … the black hole … of Cygnus … X-1 … **bwoowoowoowoowoowoowoowwwww!!**

Sorry.

“WOW! That’s heavy!” Suzie, it’s not that difficult a concept. In fact, unless you were only taught about Creationism in school, you should have learned about this a long time ago. But, given the way Jack wrote your character, you were probably busy doing your hair, looking pretty, and giving it up to the captain of the football team under the bleachers when you were supposed to be in class. Bet you’re sorry now, aren’t you??

Oh, and why do all teenagers in Chick tracts talk like hippies? Whoa, man, you’re freakin’ me out!! That’s too heavy, man!! Peace, love, and drugs!!

“Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two … giant … stalking things.”

“I didn’t scare the shit out of you enough by telling you that you were going to DIE and that there was NO CURE but NOW I am going to tell you that you are going to go to HELL for being a HEATHEN UNBELIEVER!!!!”

This is not your day, Suzie. You’ve contracted a whole host of nasty shit for not using a condom and now you’re going to be brow beaten by Albert Schweitzer over here. Go back to bed and start fresh tomorrow.

Well, usually what happens after your last breath is death. Actually, it looks like it already happened to you, Suzie. You’ve got that whole “blank-stare-China-doll” thing going on, combined with an apparent inability to hold your head straight.

Seriously, check out the last few pages.  She’s had a 20 degree list to starboard ever since stepping into the doctor’s office.

If you were a true Christian, I would stand in front of a GIANT DOT and describe heaven, where people dress in white, play harps, and get free long distance …

… and if you died a GODLESS HEATHEN like I know you are, then a horde of angry demons will rise up out of the floor and drag your soul, kicking and screaming, into the fiery flames of hell where they will spend an eternity shoving red hot pokers up your ass and forcing you to attend Amway meetings on alternate Wednesdays.

For such an unspeakable place, Chick sure capitalizes on it more than anyone else I know.

God didn’t want us to die in our sins, yet he banished us from Eden and condemned us to Hell right out of the gate, and hasn’t taken us back since. If it’s outside God’s power to bring us all back … considering he doesn’t want us to die in our sins … then that sort of goes counter to the idea of an all powerful God. Seems to me the power to undo all of this mess has been in God’s hands all along …

… and all he’s had to do is clack his heels together three times and say, “There’s no place like home … there’s no place like home … “

I’m so glad (relieved, actually) that Chick (batshit insane fundie guy) uses parentheses (these little bendy things) to further explain (in unnecessary detail) the passages (that we all know and love). If God (the Father) loved our world (that’s me) so much, then why (in his name) did he wait so long (4000 years of history) before sending his son (Jesus) to save our sinful asses (of which I don’t want mine poked with a red-hot, sharp implement)?

Classic ending. Jesus loves you!! But if you don’t accept him, there’s that lake of fire, demons, pokers, your ass, Amway, etc etc.

So Doc, now that you’ve spent all of the time you have available with Suzy telling her she’s going to die and desperately trying to convert her to your religion, maybe now would be a good time to do something that will deliver some actual, measurable results and practice some goddamned medicine.  For example, she might actually feel better knowing this:

Today, there are 31 antiretroviral drugs (ARVs) approved by the Food and Drug Administration to treat HIV infection. These treatments do not cure people of HIV or AIDS. Rather, they suppress the virus, even to undetectable levels, but they do not completely eliminate HIV from the body. By suppressing the amount of virus in the body, people infected with HIV can now lead longer and healthier lives. However, they can still transmit the virus and must continuously take antiretroviral drugs in order to maintain their health quality.

Or maybe some more technical advice from the Mayo clinic on how to control the disease using modern technology for a vastly improved lifespan.  Suzy may feel like HIV is a death sentence, but there’s a lot that can be done for her, assuming her doctor isn’t obsessed with using the disease as some kind of divine punishment:

  • Non-nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NNRTIs). NNRTIs disable a protein needed by HIV to make copies of itself. Examples include efavirenz (Sustiva), etravirine (Intelence) and nevirapine (Viramune).
  • Nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NRTIs). NRTIs are faulty versions of building blocks that HIV needs to make copies of itself. Examples include Abacavir (Ziagen), and the combination drugs emtricitabine and tenofovir (Truvada), and lamivudine and zidovudine (Combivir).
  • Protease inhibitors (PIs). PIs disable protease, another protein that HIV needs to make copies of itself. Examples include atazanavir (Reyataz), darunavir (Prezista), fosamprenavir (Lexiva) and ritonavir (Norvir).
  • Entry or fusion inhibitors. These drugs block HIV’s entry into CD4 cells. Examples include enfuvirtide (Fuzeon) and maraviroc (Selzentry).
  • Integrase inhibitors. Raltegravir (Isentress) works by disabling integrase, a protein that HIV uses to insert its genetic material into CD4 cells.

The problem is, given the way the story unfolded, it’s my guess that a person like Suzy’s doctor isn’t the kind of “medical professional” who would be willing to discuss these kinds of treatment options with his patients, citing the ever popular “conscience clauses” so prevalent these days.  What’s worse, if Suzy lives in the Bible Belt, there’s a good chance that she may not even realize these options exist and will be convinced that her only fate is a slow, agonizing death bereft of hope.

That’s religious freedom for you … after all, what’s human life compared to salvation?

… aaaaaand once again, you can get the book that will tell you how to become a paladin.

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This entry was posted in Chick Tract Dissections, Freedom from Religion, Profiles in Fundamentalism, Sunday Morning Blasphemy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Jack Chick’s “That Crazy Guy” Dissected

  1. Dan Adler says:

    Wow, I haven’t seen a Chick dissection in ages. Been missing them 🙂

  2. Erin W says:

    I imagine this sort of thing does happen, but the fact that the ‘doctor’ seems like he’d be better off in a pulpit is what really bothers me about this one. I like my medical professionals to practice medicine.

    • That’s definitely one of the more bothersome parts about this tract that’s taken on new life in the last couple of years. I picked this one at random from my old archives, but as I was going through it I realized exactly how relevant it was to some of today’s current events.

  3. Pingback: Jack Chick’s “Angels” Dissected | Crimes Against Divinity

  4. Pingback: Jack Chick’s “Gladys” Dissected | Crimes Against Divinity

  5. Just . . . wow Jack, that was . . . heavy. Why is it that atheists and agnostics often know so much more about the Bible than Christians do?

    • Because the best cure for Christianity is reading the bible. Hell, even when I was six I thought God had some serious anger management issues in the OT. Then, all of a sudden, we get his hippie son talking about peace and love, and I’m thinking, “right, your dad wiped out all life on earth and blessed the Israelites’ genocide of countless tribes … I’m not buying it.”

  6. Pingback: Jack Chick’s “The Trial” Dissected | aliceatwonderland

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