Here, Jack takes a half-assed swipe at his understanding of witchcraft / Wicca / Pagans / Satanism, cause … you know, they’re all the same thing, really.
This is part of a larger “story arc” called the Bible Series. You might recognize the first one called, “In the Beginning”, which I dissected with a short time ago with the help of a friend of mine. Moving on, I’m glad to see Jack has a realistic idea of what witches look like. No issue with stereotypes here.
It’s Wilma from the 70’s Buck Rogers series!! Thank God you got a modern haircut, woman. People were beginning to talk. Now, about the chin job … a little bit goes a long way. Don’t worry too much about it, though, since by the middle of the tract you’ll look completely different than you do now.
“I have two surprises! First, I’ve got Justin Bieber here with me, and he’s going to put on a private concert just for you and your friends !”
“No, dumbass, I’m bringing Uncle Bob home. Start inflating the air mattress and grab a spare pillow.”
“I despise you, Mom.”
I have to say that after the way he played fast and loose with the facts during his encounter with Gladys, I wouldn’t be too keen on letting Uncle Bob in the house again either. He’s just too annoying. And freaky. Something about those eyes. Plus, I don’t trust people with mustache implants.
“What do you mean, ‘he reminds me of Jesus’? You mean he treats people with love, respect, and compassion, living a life of peace and tolerance for his fellow man regardless of their walk of life?”
“No, I mean he walks around in his sandals and bathrobe, refuses to shower, hangs out with 12 homeless guys, and tries to exorcise demons from the drunks in the park during lunchtime.”
“Ever consider slipping him some anti-psychotics in with his wine?”
Okay, an enemy of what, exactly? Wicca? The philosophy that says, “As long as it harms none, do what thou wilt”? Or are we talking about Jack’s interpretation of Wicca, consisting of devil worship, blood sacrifice, and the application of spells that actually work? Well, I can’t say I blame Holly for reacting the way she did. I’d be pissed off too if I just farted out a translucent horned demon that looks like a maniacal Robert Loggia.
Beano before, righteousness after.
… but first, I am going to smack myself in the face with the Ugly Stick and look nothing like the Holly of one page ago. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!
What teenage kid do you know has a stuffed owl in her room? Oh, wait, that’s Hedwig, from the Harry Potter series. On the other hand, it might be real. Tough to say. Maybe it was a pet of hers, and then she had it taxidermized by Chuck Testa after it died.
Oh Harry, bless your heart, that’s no way to ride a broom. Put on some shoes and get with the program. It’s as if the guy who drew you didn’t know the first thing about what he was doing!
“Something really powerful is blocking my spell!”
Yeah … reality. @!!!**! Lock my door! Mom can’t know we’re dabbling in the black arts … I’ll just tell her we’re giving each other matching stigmata. Quick, you grab the wide-gauge knitting needles and a mallet, and I’ll get the Bactine.
Where was this all powerful blocking force when Dark Dungeons Chick laid the magical smackdown on her father?
You might want to consider yourself lucky that there’s some sort of spell ward in place, since it looks like it shut down whatever was responsible for looking pretty hideous a couple panels ago. Now you have anime-eyes! Kawaii desu yo!!
Samantha, get the blood stained robe and devil horns off. Uncle Bob might get a little suspicious. Meanwhile, I’ll move around the furniture and start indiscriminately laying down carpeting. That way they’ll never suspect anything.
I love the décor. The alien poster, the peace symbol, and then … well, that’s either a Slayer poster or an upside down pentagram … everything a young, God-hating rebellious teenager needs in her room to show her mother that her immortal soul is in danger and needs saving with the help of Uncle Bob and his impeccable grooming.
By the way, for those of you who are trying to follow the chronology, I screwed up. As near as I can tell, “In the Beginning” happened first, then this one, and then “Gladys” … since Samantha’s friend Holly is the one in the car with her when they suddenly and unexpectedly go from regular to extra crispy with the help of a tanker filled with enough rocket fuel to launch a Saturn V into orbit.
Remember what I said about Mom changing appearance over the course of the tract? Holly, too, but at least she didn’t get any work done.
[WARNING: INSIDE JOKE ZONE]
Bob: “Hi, I’m Bob, but most people call me Robbie.”
Samantha: “Wait … didn’t you sing that song?”
Holly: “Which song?”
Samantha: “The one by that guy … I can’t remember his name …”
Bob: “Uhh, that was me.”
Holly: “What was it … Millennium??”
Samantha: “Yeah! That was it!”
Holly: “But who sang it??”
Bob: “I did.”
Samantha: “Sang what?”
Holly: “That song …”
Samantha: “Which song?”
Holly: “You know, the one by that guy …”
Mom: “AIIIGGGHHH NOT THIS AGAIN! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!”
Samantha: “So, what were you going to tell me about?”
Mom: “FORGET IT. GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.”
[END INSIDE JOKE ZONE]
(OK, brief explanation, now that I did this twice: about ten years ago (more??), some friends of mine found the song “Millennium” by Robbie Williams. It was overplayed within their little group so much that it just turned into a joke after a while, and to top it off, they started the “Who’s on First” type running gag every time one of them brought it up. The fact that our protagonist’s name is Bob Williams means this joke must be told.)
Dear God … I’m going to be SICK!! A CHRISTIAN?? IN OUR HOUSE??? What will the neighbors say? Quick, shut the blinds and turn off the lights! We need three bottles of Johnny Walker, a pound of marijuana, seven extra large pizzas, some AD&D source books, and a couple of 20-sided dice!! Does anyone have Richard Dawkins’s number on speed dial?
Does it seem odd to anyone else that, in a Judeo-Christian society, the average person in Chick’s world so completely loses their minds over someone’s devotion to the one religion that is so hopelessly intertwined with every aspect of our lives? I know it’s the whole persecution-fixation thing … and it makes the Christian Right feel better to know that the world hates them because it means they’re suffering for the LORD … but in reality it just makes them look kind of delusional. Especially when you consider that they still run the show in most ways.
In reality, most people I know would just sort of roll their eyes and say to themselves, “uhh boy, here we go …”, hoping that their friend’s newfound belief didn’t translate to a denial of critical thought, basic reason, or anything involving the physical sciences. If it doesn’t, then they’d just shrug and consider themselves lucky that everyone dodged a bullet.
@!!!**! I wonder what they means in uncensored Chickensian. He uses it ALL THE TIME.
Something inside of you is telling you to do leave before your weird uncle closes the door with all of you inside? That’s called your intuition! And it is evil! You must never listen to that voice that is speaking to you from within! That is either your own corrupt, sinful mind or the work of a spirit guide who is in league with the Devil!
Unless you’re Christian, in which case forget what I said because you now have a direct link with the LORD, and the Holy Spirit is now your “spirit guide”. Is that clear?
Uh oh, someone whacked Holly with the ugly stick again. Must be that demon fart staring her down from behind.
OK, so I obviously don’t believe the bible. Not in the way I’m told that I’m supposed to, at least. I can’t take seriously any book that says that hares chew their own cud, slugs melt as they move along, and that leprosy can be cured with bird blood and incantations. I flat out refuse to use it as a moral guide when it demands we devote our lives to a supreme being who wipes out humanity because he didn’t like the way they turned out, punishes innocent people for the sins of their rulers, and gives his blessings for countless acts of genocide on the part of the Israelites.
Most normal people would be afraid of stuff like that. The real question should be why aren’t you?
Hey Bob, let’s be fair. God made a LOT of things punishable by death. Including …
Working on the Sabbath
Committing adultery (we seem to forget this one)
Being rebellious to your parents
Sacrificing to false gods
Homosexuality (actually man laying with man as he would a woman)
AWESOME IT’S STORYTIME. I love these because we’re supposed to think they mean something today. We’re immediately off to a bad start, since Saul looks like he’s been drugged … someone might want to check his pupils. What’s Hebrew for “Percocet”?
The rest of the closet witches were operating in secret, but had with them all of the enchanting tables that had once been placed all throughout Skyrim. They bided their time, waiting for the inevitable return of the Dohvakiin, as foretold in the prophecies.
Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft? Wasn’t Jesus a rebel in the eyes of his contemporaries? Didn’t he promote forgiveness over the corporal punishment that was the LAW passed down by his father? Sounds like rebellion to me, yet we never accuse Jesus of having committed a sin against God.
But let’s not forget that God’s been a tad fickle over the years. Like screwing with the pharaoh during the Exodus. Or randomly choosing Abel’s offering over Cain’s, thus starting the first incident of sibling rivalry. Good going. Point is that Saul shouldn’t be surprised that God was distracted by something else, or randomly pissed off. He has a reputation for that sort of thing.
So Saul’s only sin here is trying to figure out what pissed God off so much that he stopped talking to him. I think I’d do the same thing in his shoes … sandals … whatever. What else was he supposed to do other than try to find someone else who could explain what happened?
There is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor. She also speaks with Ewoks. Wookies are extra.
Looks like she’s got a full house. I wonder if we’re supposed to think she’s in league with Satan? These guys might be ancestors of the gay demons like the ones hanging around the two dentists that Miss Henn brought in for Li’l Suzy’s class. For all we know they might also just be the gods of other cultures as described through the lens of Israelite monotheism. What better way to force obedience and denigrate other religions than to not just say you’re better than other gods, but to make them equivalent to demons and devils?
She was about to see the impossible happen … Saul was about to eat an entire tablespoon of powdered cinnamon without blowing it through his nose.
That’s no woman! That’s my wife!
This is starting to look like the end of an episode of Scooby Do. Hey, this isn’t really a ghost at all! It’s old man McDroopydrawers, who was after the pirates’ gold ever since we met him at the abandoned warehouse!
“Hey gang! This isn’t Samuel … it’s Saruman the White!”
“And I would have gotten my hands on that ring if it hadn’t been for you meddling halflings!”
Do you want to know why God won’t answer you? Because even though you killed every single Amalekite – man, woman, and child – to the last one, you spared King Agag and his livestock. It doesn’t matter that you were going to use the latter for sacrifice to Him anyway … that was enough for God to abandon you.
Point of contention here: God has become Saul’s enemy. Yet God talked to Samuel, implying that he was still in favor. Tomorrow, they are all going to be together. Where, exactly? I didn’t think God’s chosen and God’s enemies all went to the same place.
Oh, wait, is this before there was a Heaven? Yeah, I think so … Heaven started popping up by the Psalms. It’s sheol for you guys. The only punishment for disobedience and evil back in the day was abandonment by god during life … with the occasional plague and bear-mauling for good measure. Pro tip: never insult bald men.
Whoa, wait a minute. How do you know the witch went to hell?
Holly has taken to shape shifting, with one of her eyebrows eating the other one and trying to crawl up her forehead in an attempt to escape out the window. Smart move … Uncle Bob’s about to start some serious soul-winning.
To say that God hates “the wicked and workers of iniquity”, you’re not including actual Wiccans, who by the very nature of their faith cannot do harm to others. These two … I don’t know what the hell their story is, but they’re not anything resembling the witches I’ve ever seen. They sound like a couple of teenagers who saw too many TV shows about witchcraft and decided to start making up rituals and hope for the best.
Ugly stick!! I think your lower lip is falling off.
I’ve never seen anyone – ever – react so violently to a person trying to spread the Gospel, even if he were annoying and self righteous. The only time I’ve ever heard someone curse Jesus like Little Miss Botox was in the Exorcist, where Regan was violating herself with a cross. Pretty serious shit that you can’t un-see, but nothing more than fiction when you get down to it.
I think Chick’s just projecting all of the hostility and vitriol he has towards other religions into Holly in another attempt to make it look as though Christians are the persecuted class in this country. Either that, or it’s the paranoia he feels when he tries to convert people and they reject his ideas. Either way, I think he needs to do a little reading on what witchcraft really is.
I love this. Since Jack can’t reference a legitimate biblical passage to allude to Holly’s fate, he just makes one up by pointing to another tract where he offs her with some rocket fuel. Truly, doing the Lord’s work.
Of course you feel different! You just shat out a demon the size of a college refrigerator. I bet your parents were wondering why you were eating entire sides of beef in one sitting. Oh hell, where’s the cat?
You got “into the craft” by reading Harry Potter? That’s like my wanting to run off to the desert and drink my own recycled urine because I just read Dune. Sure, people do it, but that’s because they have a couple of other issues to start with. It’s not the books they’re reading … it’s who’s doing the reading.
You realize that the people in the Harry Potter universe – aside from being complete and total fiction – are born from either wizard parents or normal, everyday folks like us. If you have the ability, you’re born with it. If not, then you just don’t. It’s not something you can call upon the “spirit world” for them to bestow upon you. That crap didn’t exist in Rowling’s world, and it especially doesn’t exist in this one.
I can just imagine what kind of stuff you’d be into if you got your hands on the bible … wow.
OK, I read the Harry Potter books. First of all, no demons, spirits, or flying pixies started coming my way. Second, of all the things to get into from the books, you chose a handful of things that just about everyone in the series didn’t take seriously. As in, they never worked. The one person who thought they did was seen as a joke by the rest of the school.
Holly’s dad – despite his loonie bin of a daughter – sounds like a fairly reasonable guy, who understands that books like Harry Potter, Narnia, Lord of the Rings, etc., are just fantasy, and have no basis in reality whatsoever. The people who think otherwise are generally the ones who used to jump off their second story windows with umbrellas when they were kids because Wiley Coyote did it.
I hate your room too. Nothing but greyscale. Besides, nothing says “I’m into witchcraft” like having a poster of a dragon and … I think that’s Gandalf fighting the Balrog on the right. What’s wrong with that? He’s a good guy battling a demon from the Middle Earth equivalent of Hell, and ended up winning.
I remember back when I was about 15 years old, and a friend of mine was really into AD&D. He’d spend days doing “research”, at the expense of his chores, homework, and social life, and then proceed to tell me to “get a life” when I told him I’d rather spend a little more time on my science fair project than play with him. The dark spirits really had a hold on him. Long story short … his father walked into his room one day, took a pile of his reference books, and sliced them in half, all at once, with his table saw.
As the books were being given a James Bond burial, there was a blood curdling scream, and the lights in the house flickered. The evil spirits must have left poor old Bob during this ordeal because he was found later that evening, crouched in the corner of the living room, rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb. He had no desire to play D&D again.
As the God I don’t believe in as my witness, that actually happened.
“The King James Bible is the only bible
that has a translation I like that Satan hasn’t messed with.”
Okay, I’ve had enough. Let’s open our Bibles to Matthew, Chapter 25. Read together.
41Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42For I was an hungered, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungered, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
46And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
So what does this mean, now that we see some of it in context? The righteous, in this case of judgment, were defined by how they treated their fellow man, not by whether or not they accepted Jesus as their personal savior. It can be argued that this is a criterion in other places (like Acts 16:31, for example ), but not here.
If the God you keep drawing is going to throw someone into hellfire, at least put words in his mouth that would make it consistent with why he’s doing it.
Here’s a prayer you could use …
Dear Lord, apparently the only criteria for being saved and having you accept me in Heaven is if I believe that a guy named Jesus – who was finally written about 50-80 years after his death by people who really wanted to believe in him – is indeed your flesh and blood son, because only then will his death provide protection for me. It’s nothing other than a loyalty test, since nothing involving the way we live our lives has any bearing on what happens to us in the afterlife. So yes – I believe Jesus is your son. Not because I know … not because I truly believe … but because I’ve been so thoroughly brainwashed into thinking that I’ll spend eternity in hell if I don’t. So sure. What the hell. I figure I’ll hedge my bets and if I’m wrong, I’ll end up in the hell belonging to whatever God does exist, and boy, will my face be red!
Amen. You just gained another half-assed follower.
If Jesus died on the cross and then was forgotten … did he die for anyone’s sins?