Jack Chick’s “Bewitched” Dissected

FINALLY.

Interesting use of orange and black, as if to further illustrate the theme of Halloween, “bewitching”, and all that other crap . Once again, in keeping with Chick’s philosophy, only the cute girls are saved because less attractive ones wouldn’t sell as effectively.  Kind of like the way the Mormons use the hottest girls in their flock to staff the temple in Salt Lake City.  “Join us and you can marry someone like her!”

What the hell is that thing, and where are its thumbs? He looks like he’s operating a transmitting tower from the set of the original Star Trek series … which would make sense, since this is the kind of setting from which Jack thinks they broadcast the source material for the latest KILLER ROCK.  Later on they’ll be handing out LOW GRADE CONDOMS from the warehouse out back.

I’m also not sure if that’s glare from the window on the left part of the panel, or if Balsac the Hastily Drawn just let one go, hoping no one would notice.

I knew it.  Hell IS a cubicle farm.  And those walls, so bland … lifeless … paper thin … the kind of place that will just suck your soul dry.  Not even Satan is allowed to have anything on the wall that isn’t approved by Corporate.  That skull had to go through a seven stage approval process, and only after a written exception from Legal and a 10,000 year waiting period.

“You will all wait until I see my favorite TV program …” I just KNEW he had a thing for the Powerpuff girls. Big softie. Get a VCR, dude. Or TiVo. ‘Cause seriously … who do we all think invented them to start with?

You know what really burns my ass? (ahem) moving on …

Okay, so let’s get this straight. Satan takes time out of his busy schedule of damning and torturing souls, eating Brutus, Judas, and Cassius for lunch, cursing God for his lot in life, and rallying the fallen angels for the last battle of Armageddon so he can catch old re-runs of Bewitched?

Bewitched? Let’s briefly review a description of their treatment of social satire courtesy of TV Tropes …

Although the series seldom questioned the sexism of its time, it continually satirized conformity through Darrin’s desperation to appear identical to everyone else, snobbery through Darrin’s parents, and racism both through Darrin’s attitude about witches and Endora’s prejudice against mortals. With mixed results, the series often satirized obsessive consumerism through Darrin, Larry Tate, and the advertising client of the week; Word Of God is that the producers and writers wanted to satirize consumerism more intensely but were forbidden to do so by the network and the series’ commercial sponsors. Corporate careerism is sent up by Darrin’s near-slavish deference to his employer. And some people claim to find a subtle satire of homophobia, primarily through Uncle Arthur, as many of the people involved in the series are now known to have been gay and/or gay-friendly.

• Plus the very idea of an “invisible” subculture of unusual people, existing alongside the everyday world, encouraged gays (and others) to identify. It helped that Endora was just about TV’s first Drag Queen, in look if not in…parts.
• The series tackled sexism subtly in that Samantha was never once portrayed as less intelligent or capable than Darrin, witchcraft or not. Unlike I Dream of Jeannie, in which Jeannie was (nominally) subservient to her Master’s wishes, Sam was never anything less than Darrin’s partner. Theirs was a very egalitarian marriage, which is why Sam refrained from using magic unless necessary — not out of obedience to her husband, but out of respect for him.

Huh … yeah, I guess I could see why Jack would think this is a perfect show for Satan to help bring down a good, upstanding, Christian society forever stuck in the 1950s, but it would be through satire of issues like racism, sexism, and homophobia.  To pass up such an obvious opportunity to rail against the “liberalization” of America and instead claim that the show was promoting witchcraft and the occult just goes to prove that even he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.  Hell, even Pat “Blame the Gays” Robertson knows how to spin a situation like this.

Not only does the Prince of Darkness have a gaggle of ugly hooded demons with no opposable thumbs, a permanent case of full body psoriasis, and uncontrollable flatulence, but he also has a lousy tailor. Damn, go to Men’s Wearhouse or something.  You’ll like the way you look. I guarantee it.

Before we begin here, I’d like to ask why Jack decided to white out the letters “K” and “W” from the Ouija board, as if he was genuinely afraid that demons would come flying out of his tract and start handing out D&D manuals laced with The Gay.  He also doesn’t quite realize that “spiritism” (is that a word?) has been around since before Jesus, and no Ouija board is going to draw people away from Christianity unless they had a problem with it to start, or if they just want something to latch on to regardless of the content.

“No opposition” to our “drug division”? What does that even mean? And how did Lucifer, the best and brightest of all the angels, manage to avoid getting swatted with the ugly stick, while the rest of you look like a 3rd grader’s interpretation of “The Scream”?

Ah, astrology … using the stars to foretell the future … like the birth of kings.

Or the birth of the king of kings …

You know, I’d laugh at the chart they are showing in this panel, but I think I’ve seen stuff like this before when we all had to talk to the budget office. It all made about as much sense then as it does now, and I think they even used the same symbols at the bottom.  At least we know where board meetings originated; that part explains a lot.

HAW HAW.

Ah, this is classic. It says so much without actually saying it outright. The “teaching of astrology in public schools”, as if to imply that it’s the next step after teaching evolution. Those in the Logic biz call this the “slippery slope” argument.  The difference, of course, being that evolution is backed by science as opposed to all of this other crapola.

I’ve already talked about the suggestions made by conservative Christian members of Congress who believe that creationism should be taught alongside evolution or, at the very least, have a disclaimer at the beginning of biology texts that says something like “Evolution is only a theory, and is not intended to be taken as fact … read with an open mind, etc.”  Instead, I suggest we start every science textbook with a full chapter on a description of the scientific method, including a good definition of the word “theory” so people will know what the hell they’re talking about instead of crying foul.  Kids should be encouraged to think for themselves, but only after they’ve been given sufficient tools to do so.

But let’s go to Voltaire, and see what he thinks … wait, dude, is that a chicken footprint on the front of your robe?  OH I GET IT that’s supposed to be the “Peace” sign without the circle, since that encourages Satanism too.  Anyway, the charts:

Anarchy: On the rise ever since … well, the establishment of government. We might not be happy with our system, but we’re certainly not making it crumble from within.

Pornography: Heh. Blame the Internet.

Homosexuality: Adjusting for the increased social acceptance and the ever increasing population, I dare you to show me it’s increased on the basis of a normalized population.

… wouldn’t Satan be happier if we were all at one another’s throats? Isn’t that why he’s so happy at that “anarchy” graph being so high? A One World Government shows that we’re all trying to work together and actually succeeding at it … which will never happen, of course. Never underestimate the human capacity for assholery.

And the plot thickens. The true enemy is not the individual governments, but the Church! Well, okay, the few that still believe in the Bible. But let’s be a little realistic about this. Granted, many of the churches have sort of forgotten their way, losing themselves in rituals and the power of the priests instead of the word of the bible, but to think they’re going to pull a Voltron and eat the other churches is a little much, no?

I can picture it … a giant super church in a kilt, red hair, and Blazing Sword, shouting, “Get in mah BELLEH!!”

“I have a serious trouble spot … it’s this awful dry patch right on my leg … oy, it burns!”

If I were Satan, I really wouldn’t lose any sleep over one praying grandmother, considering the success rate of prayer and fasting in the real world.  No disease has ever been cured, no limbs have grown back, and no dead have returned as a result of someone clasping his or her hands together and appealing to God.  You’d have better luck praying to the ocean or to outer space.

Yeah, make Ashley an example of God’s mercy. Not Hitler, or Pol Pot, or Caligula, but some 16 year old girl named Ashley. She’s the reason why God made Hell.

Let’s look at the details …

·  Divorced parents … oh, man, that’s a free pass to Hell right there.
·  Mother died a year ago … and IS IN HELL LOL.  Couldn’t see that one coming a mile away.  Must have been Catholic.
·  On drugs since 14.
·  Ran away at 15.
·  Father is an executive (meaning what, he doesn’t have time for her?) and an alcoholic … and he eats babies!  Just say it, come on …

That sounds like a tough life, but hardly a path to Hell.  Unfortunately, too many of these kids, never come back from lives like this. But how many planned it, and what kind of malicious divine being would send them to an eternity of torture because of it?  Wait, I know one.

… how many people pretend to accept Christ simply out of abject fear of being condemned to hell by an otherwise uncaring god? Is that acceptance out of love and belief? How about all those people who thank God just because things go their way?  How about every single person at the end of these insufferable tracts who fall to their knees just to escape hellfire??

Yeah, um, Satan, let me let you in on a little secret. With the amount of damned souls you already have, just be happy you have the advantage of numbers. You have ALL of the Muslims, ALL of the Hindus, ALL of the Buddhists, and ALL of the Jews. Dude, why are you bothering with American Christians? It’s a waste of your time.  You’ve won.  Declare victory and thank God for giving it to you with a nice little bow sitting on top.

And the newest addition to Hell, Elizabeth Taylor without makeup. Eiwwwww …

Oh, and Ashley’s also a crack addict who worships the trees, had an abortion, and kills puppies for fun.

Speaking of flashbacks, it’s 1967 again. The copyright on the tract is what, 2000? Let’s think about who’s really stuck in the past here … this isn’t the only example. With such witticisms as “Far out, man” and “bummer” and such fashions as the hippie getup we see above, I think we all know the last decade Jack remembers.

Calls upon the spirits of the universe? Are those like the Masters of the Universe? “I call upon the most sacred, Skeletor of Snake Mountain, and the Sorceress of Greyskull … hear my pleas!!”

It apparently worked … there’s smoke coming from the old lady’s chest and it’s calling her name. “Beee suuuurreee toooo driiiinnnkkk yoooouuurrr OOOOOOVvalllttiiiiinenneee ….”

Ashley’s Spidey Sense responds.

BIBLE WARNING!! When you perform magic in the name of God (Moses, I’m looking in your direction), it’s not really magic, it’s righteous and holy. If it’s done in any other context, it is EVIL AND WRONG. Oh, take a look a couple verses earlier and God tells us all not to shave or get tattoos, and then keep his Sabbaths, revere his sanctuaries, etc.  Just like we all do today, on pain of death. He is, after all, the LORD our God.

“Ashley, I’m fine in hell. Really, the pokers aren’t that hot. Your ass gets pretty numb after the first 25 or so. By the way, Puss Maw, Defiler of the Innocent is looking forward to meeting you. I’ve told him so much about you!”

I know she’s in Satan’s camp. They’ve got a great setup. Propane heat, 6 person tents, PlayStation, Doritos, beer, and later on we’re going to be ROASTING BABIE-uhh … s’mores! Did I say “babies”? I meant s’mores. And bratwurst.

“… and Lord, if you see it in your wisdom to bring Richard Dean Anderson back into my dreams for another lovely encounter with the duct tape and spark plugs, I will truly be in awe of your divine providence!” You just know that’s what she’s really thinking. Dirty slut.

Ashley, stand with your legs together. C’mon, don’t you know that’s how you get pregnant?

Wow. So THAT’S how it is in their family.

Ashley, you’re dealing with witchcraft … an area prohibited by God! If you had slain unbelievers, stoned some gays, committed genocide, and enslaved an entire tribe of people in His name, that would have been fine.  Priorities, woman.

How did she know about the Bible? How does anyone not know about Jesus and the bible these days, regardless of whether they follow it?

Remember Poltergeist, when one of the ghost hunters went to the kitchen to get some steak from the fridge and his face started coming off? Thought so. Great effects. It was scary, then. It’s not here.

If the demon really wanted to scare the crap out of her, he should have dressed up as a clown, hidden under the bed, and grabbed her at around three in the morning Stephe Spielberg-style.  She’s head straight to a nunnery, no questions asked.

Hey, they got the same doctor from That Crazy Guy. The one with the great bedside manner. Hey Doc, you can’t deliver any bad news without standing in front of a GIANT DOT.

I hate the way that woman prays. Every time she does, Vinny, Heaven’s Bouncer, comes out and escorts all of the demons to the door. “Go home, guys … you’re drunk again.”

And only in a Chick tract is there a causal relationship between praying and any result other than time passing.

No, Grandma, I haven’t heard that story. I’m the only person on the planet, with the exception of those vacant-eyed six year old friends of Li’l Suzy, who hasn’t heard of Jesus. Do tell, what’s his story?? Didn’t he play baseball in the Mexican minor leagues?

Ash, I’ll ask again … what are your motivations for accepting Jesus? Because you truly believe, or because you’re on your last leg and scared you’ll go to hell otherwise? Bill Cosby says that’s the reason why all of our old relatives are so nice … they’re just trying to get into Heaven at the end.

Ash, I’ve got some bad news. According to Revelations …

RE 14:1-4 Heaven is to be inhabited by 144,000 virgin men who have not been “defiled” by women.

But that’s okay … here’s a test to see if you’re really saved …

MK 16:17-18 Those who believe are able to handle snakes and drink any deadly poison without suffering harm.

Hmmm … maybe not. Otherwise, all that acid would fly through your system like a laser beam!

Courtesy call from a Kojak look-alike with a BAD comb over.

I knew it … I’m surrounded by assholes!!” Face it, Lucifer … it was a pretty lame-ass plan from the get-go, and it’s not like any of your other ones have worked that well. You know, the Great Rebellion (OWN3D!!~!), tempting Jesus, church corruption, the RIAA …

Okay, that last one worked out well. Jerks.

“… and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.” Hm. People are judged according to their works? I thought it was faith alone. Anyway, there’s another question here … what are the other books referenced in Revelations?

Umm, there’s only so much I can say about this page. I’ve done it before …